Zen for Two Characters

Boss (male, aggressive, working-class London accent)
and Not Boss.

Scene: A small office.

NOTE: Boss is clearly out for blood today, ever since he came in at noon in a visibly foul mood.

Lights up.

Boss: Right. What you doing, then?

Not Boss: Oh, I was just working on that info pack you told me to send out today.

B: (suddenly apoplectic) WHAT?? Why you doing that, then? Did you finish the other thing??

NB: No, no, I –

B: Right, so you didn’t finish the other thing and now you’re doing this thing. Right. Thing is, (sleuthily) who gave you the authority to do that?

NB: Sorry. It’s just, well, you were very clear about getting this info –

B: I know what the fuck is clear and what isn’t, right? Right?

NB: Umm, yeah. I mean, right.

B: That’s right. Now. Who gave you the authority?

NB: Well, I figured that based on all of the –

B: (mocking) “Based on?”

NB: Well, it seemed like it was implicit that –

B: Im-fucking-plicit? What the fuck!

NB: I assumed that –

B: (smug now) Right. See, that’s what it is, isn’t it. (very pleased at his ‘trap’) That’s what it fucking is. What it is is that you assume. What it is is that you’re being a knobhead who assumes. Who told you to assume?

NB: I – sorry. What?

B: Who. Told. You. To. Assume. That’s what.

NB: Um – nobody?

B: Exactly. And if nobody told you, if I didn’t give a direct command to that effect, then your assumptions are shite.

NB: …right.

B: Right what?

NB: Right that you should have told me.

B: Oh, no, no, no, no. Right? Thing is, I shouldn’t have to tell you, and that’s the problem with this whole fucking office, right? Listen up, all three of you cunts. Stop staring into those fucking computers. They’re not going to save you. Sometimes you’ve got to get up off your fucking arse and actually get things done. (screaming) THERE IS NO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN THIS OFFICE!! Am I the only one who knows how to fucking communicate around here??

NB: …

B: Right. See?

NB: …

B: (he’s proved his point) And that is my fucking point. (noticing that work has stopped for this rant) Well? What you doing, then? Just sitting there? When is that fucking info pack going out? This should not be taking up the entire fucking day. What have you got?

NB: Um…

B: Come on, you cunt.

NB: Sorry, it’s just…do I have the authority now?

B: Of course you do, you stupid poof.

NB: …great. OK, so here’s what I’ve got so far –

B: What the fuck is that?

NB: Well, it’s the summary of your accomplishments that you told me to include in the pack. I’ve been pretty thorough and –

B: (in a rage) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!

NB: Okay.

B: No, no, no!! What the fuck is that shit? What IS that? I don’t want to read that. It looks like a fucking letter or something.

NB: Right. Well, if you take a look at this, see, it’s three concise lines of summary for each major –

B: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NB: Okay.

B: That’s not a list, is it? That is not a fucking list, is it? Is it?

NB: It’s sort of a – no. No, I suppose it isn’t a list.

B: That’s right. Not a list, like I said. Now. Why did you do this shit instead of a list?

NB: I didn’t know I was supposed to be doing a list.

B: (head about to explode) What do you mean “you didn’t know you were supposed to be doing a list???” Did I not make myself perfectly clear??? I want my list!!!

NB: Yeah. Okay. I mean, I went through all seventy-five of the e-mails you sent us this morning and, well, this is the first time I’m hearing the word ‘list.’

B: The first time? The first time you’ve heard the word ‘list???’

NB: In regards to this project.

B: You’ve never heard the word ‘list’ before?

NB: I mean –

B: Never heard the word ‘list.’ (suddenly strategic) Right, so how the fuck did you know what it meant when I said it, then?

NB: I’m sorry?

B: The word ‘list.’ How’d you know what it meant when I said it just now?

NB: …

B: See? Can’t answer the question, can you?

NB: No, I meant –

B: Can you?

NB: What I meant was –

B: Can you?

NB: I was trying to say that –

B: Can you?

NB: Umm…no. No, I don’t suppose I can.

B: That’s right. Because you fucking can’t. Now get rid of all this shit and make me a list. A proper list. A list that is actually a fucking list.

NB: Okay.

(NB starts making a list; B stands over his shoulder watching)

B: See? That’s already better. Yeah. Yeah, good. Now put the next one under the first one. Yeah. See? That’s better. Yeah. (suddenly) NO!! What you putting that there for, then?

NB: It’s next on the list.

B: Well it doesn’t make sense if you just fucking put it there without any explanation.

NB: Right. Okay.

B: Say, “And then in 2001, [blah, blah, blah], and then put [blah, blah, blah], but then you should start with this. NO!! That looks like shit. Where’s that other thing?

NB: What?

B: That other thing I saw before.

NB: The thing that I was –

B: Here it is. I’ll just dictate it to you from this. Put this; (reads from initial document, word for word) [blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah] Are you getting this? (looks) What the fuck!! Bold that. Underline that. Change that font. Move that. Change that. (puts document back down) There. You get the idea. (stretches) Fuck’s sake, I’m exhausted. (belches loudly) Ahh, that’s better. Well, I’ll leave you cunts to it. I don’t know how anything gets done when I’m not here. This office worked better when I did everything myself. Right. I’m going home. I’ll call later to see how you’re getting on.

NB: Have a nice afternoon.

B: Fuck off, you cunt.

(exit Boss)

Lights down.